I know what you mean, I am always waiting for things to be over, so I can be on my own again, even when I'm enjoying myself, I want it to be finished. I don't make friends even when I like people, I just can't commit to a friendship, I prefer to be on my own

Yeah that's exactly it .. knowing that it will come to an end somepoint anyway so end up pushing people further away .. i can't hold down any relationships really .. it is a real struggle.
But one i find hard to explain to them.
It's the sudden panick comes over me .. a dread ..darkness .. at least if i shut myself away i'm no hurting anyone else.. thats how i see it anyway .
plus it's hard enough dealing with me not alone anyone else ... selfish i know

All the time. I think sometimes I do it first cuz i think they will be pushing me away soon anyway ... ?

i do as well, but the doctors believe I might be autistic so that might explain my lack of ability to socialize as well. I have OCD as well and people can make it worse or usually do i should say

My head becomes full when having to deal with ppl, I can't wait to be home and then I become low. I don't want to see others I'm comfortable and feel safe in my family bubble. Anxiety hits just thinking of socialising then I hat myself bc I don't want to go out and see ppl. If I think I shud catch up with ppl I automatically picture the end so I can be home before I have even left. I push ppl away the best job I did was push my psychologist away after 4 years bc of my anger issues so now I have noone bc I believe if she can leave then others will so there's no point seeing anyone else