I am not a physician, however this could be a form of self harm. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk too.

I feel like if you want to die an that's what your working toward..its sucicide..that's just me

It isn't poor lifestyle. It's gradual self-harm in a conscious manner that your mind is forcing you to do on which you don't have control and maybe also your mind is working in such a way that it doesn't wish to put a check on your self-neglect tendencies and possibly you don't even feel bad about it because it's a similar case with me too. Since my mom's death , it's going to be 7 months almost, I haven't been able to accept her sudden passing and hence in grief despite having my drug resistant depression, somedays, I go without sleep for 30h at a stretch and my terrible anorexia lets me eat only once in every 24h and I've no regrets as I don't feel bad ,as sooner or later I know my life expectancy is diminishing gradually.... as I'm continuing like this and after my quick passover to the other side , I know I don't have to be alone anymore as mom awaits me there in spirit and I'll be reunited with her as my soul will then be free
from grief and pain as it won't be caged in this physical existence anymore and it will fly high and happy like The Phoenix but until that happens, am too tired and sick of my life but unfortunately I've to drag on like this and hopefully within the next 10y , I'll become free from the chain of my physical existence as I truly await death each day to liberate and deliver my soul. I can relate to how you feel.