Hard to describe this but I mean like does anyone feel numb at times but just carries on with daily life. Like as if you don't want to do anything. You feel nothing but no point explaining to anyone knowing they won't understand as they haven't been through depression and that?
On a good day I fake it. Fake the smiles. Fake life. It’s all fake because I am completely void and incapable of feeling anything other than wanting to disappear from life. Because I find that nothing is real. It’s all and endless sea of lies. On the bad days I feel I am on the edge of a cliff of emotions ready to fall. I want to feel happiness but I only feel pain to the umpteenth power. To give in to the downward spiral that is beckoning me to let go. Wooing me and taunting me with the promise of emptiness without pain. The seduction of a promise for safety of my heart.
I survive each day by forcing myself to function. But what is outside is for their benefit to keep them at bay. So yes, I too feel numb every waking moment of my life....good and bad. I am a functional walking empty vessel. Because I once felt.....and feelings killed my ability to trust any emotion ever again other than pain.
I would rather be numb than to feel ever again. This has been my curse since I was a child.
I often feel like this sometimes l can't even cry l feel totally cut off from reality and l am just exsisting and nothing brings me joy just lay in bed where l feel safe.
I feel this way everyday too.I asked my counselor what is wrong with me.She told me its fear that i may fall apart if i show emotions as i have buried them to stay strong.However i have melt downs eventually.
I feel this way most mornings. I just want to sleep and put everything off until the next day. I am so sick of fighting through each day. The only thing that brings me joy is seeing my grand daughter. Her smile warms my heart. This happens to me every month when I get my period. Hopefully my psychiatrist will have a answer for this tomorrow.