Reading your post makes me very concerned for you. Have you ever ever had a psychosocial done on you? In my advice, you don’t need just a doctor, but a team that can help you with your problems.

Try silent screaming when they occur, it should clear your head for bit. Then, continue until you are able to contain them.

I have complex PTSD, major depressive disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I didn't think I was ever going to get well, and that made it easier for me to justify suicide. My last attempt was at the very beginning of January. I was extremely abused as a kid by both parents in multiple ways, and psychologically abused by my mom well into mid adulthood. I had to push her all the way out of my life to be even remotely ok.
What I want to say is to not give up hope for yourself! There are a lot of therapeutic tools available besides meds, and they are often more effective for longer. Use everything at your disposal to help yourself!

I don't think there is a medication that will take away suicidal ideation completely. Suicidal ideation comes from not loving yourself and feeling hopeless. Now that I am finally off antidepressants, I still have ups and downs, but I finally have a therapist who is helping me with early childhood issues, which is at the root of my problems. I am able to release some of the pain of not receiving affection as a child, and of not being able to talk about feelings or be appreciated for who I was. Learning to love yourself, for me, is the reason we are here on earth, so I strongly believe that we need to incorporate spirituality into our therapeutic healing to get the best benefit. Psychiatrists only know how to prescribe and so many of us do not respond well to the drugs we are given. Find a good therapist that will help sort out your troublesome issues and negative thinking and get you started on a positive healing experience.

Prayers and Love, hugs and kisses 😘😇🌹