I felt that way @ the Beginning of Mental Meltdown & started Cutting, I was sick in between wanting to Live & wanting to Die all @ the same time & I was getting so Frustrated 🥴. So I feel you on this one, its very hard

I just ordered some books to try- the self help ones haven't !
I'm going to try autobiographical
I'll let you know

I have begged God to kill me, maybe a car accident or something. No one else must die, only me. Living with friends right now, the daily burden of keeping up pretenses is exhausting. And I'm Christian: depression is a demon, so I'm not supposed to feel this way...unless I don't mind being possessed.

When I think about who would be left behind first adds more guilt. I know everyone would be better off when I'm not here

So sorry to hear that Ray.
I know how hard that is as I fight it everyday.
And when you go to bed it's worse..
My physiciatrist put me on tablets to help me sleep.
She said that if you had a good nights sleep, it would help with the feelings.
Everytime I plan it something always comes up, and I think too myself tomorrow.
But so far I'm still here.
Take care of yourself Ray.
They say suiside doesn't only effect you. But all your friends and family.
But I often think they would be better off without me.