I'm sorry for the pain and difficulty that you have been going through for so long. Please don't blame yourself for a coping behavior you adopted when you were just a teenager. Self-harm is a negative coping behavior, meaning it hurts you while it helps you. You may do it because you feel you deserve to feel pain or to be punished. You may do it because of a phenomenon known as pain transference, which is where you distract yourself from one pain by causing another. In this instance, taking attention away from emotional pain by causing physical pain. Also, there is a bit of an endorphin rush from the self-harm which alleviates some degree of the pain and it seems to be cathartic. The problem with this is it becomes a go-to coping mechanism and because of the biochemical reactions going on becomes an addictive behavior. This is why it has stayed with you for so long. Many, many people, women in particular, suffer from this very thing. You are not alone. You don't deserve pain, you deserve joy. You don't deserve abuse, you deserve to be cherished. You've got to remind yourself of this constantly. We've got to replace the negative self-talk we play over and over in our heads with something else. Something positive. You can do it, I know you can.

I know a little bit about what you are going through Kaye1217. I just spent 9 days in a Behavioral Hospital in May because I was ready to "End it all." I had purchased a 9mm with bullets and had a plan on how I would do it and everything. I just didn't have it in me to go through with it. This was the 3rd time the same situation happened. Was it fate? Was I a coward for not pulling the trigger? I struggled with those thoughts for a long time. Mental illness is not anything to be ashamed of or mess around with when it us getting the best of you. Your mind might not always give you the right answers in life. But if you listen to your heart and inner self, it will tell you what the right things to do are. Every single person born into this world has choices. It's up to you and I and everyone out there to decide whether to make good or bad choices. It's your agency. Life can be beautiful if we look for the good in others and the beauty of nature, etc. This took me many years to realize this. I struggle everyday with negative thoughts and suicidal thoughts might also creep in. It's up to me to either shut the negative thoughts out and replace them with positive thoughts. That's hard to do and may take your whole life to get good at it. I am willing to give it a try. Are you willing to try with me? I will be your support every step of the way. Look deep down inside yourself and know that your life is beautiful and you are here for a reason. I really believe that.

I m 27 and I feel you completely. I used to self harm but I haven't in years. Lately tho I find myself thinking about it. Things just aren't going good ATM.I'm not suicidal either but I feel like maybe the pain from self harming would make me feel better like it used to. But I feel I have come along way in my fight with depression and know that it really won't.I know I ll be able to get my meds again and I'll feel better again someday. Right now I joined this site to talk to others like you who understand me. I also see my Dr every few months to go over how I'm doing. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist as well. Hope this helps.

Thank you xx