For most of my life I have felt isolated and like no one actually cares about me. I have a really hard time figuring out what emotions I’m dealing with and I feel like a bother to everyone. I feel as though there is no way I can have a future. With that said I feel like there’s no reason for me to feel this way. I know that I could talk to people but on the rare occasion that I do I feel like they would rather be anywhere else so why even bother. The thing is that I also know people… read more
I have no future. I am living IN my future right now. Before I was diagnosed with MDD I was already dealing with the fact that I don't know who I am. I lived the life of a people pleaser just like a chameleon changing personalities to suit the moment. The great pretender. No wonder I don't have friends. I have indevoured to educate my family on my situation. The just REFUSE to understand any of it. I had not spoken to my son for weeks and the other day he called. "WHAT are you still feeling like that??" I feel like I am a fake now and have doubt too about the MDD PTSD etc. I decided to come off the Venlafaxine after 3 years. Time will tell but I have warned that there should be no surprises in the end.
The world is always so shocked when a celebrity commits suicide. Why? I can understand why ands its not shocking at all. It shocking that the people refuse to believe that Depression is so real and painful. Its a different world we live in. We have an alien personality and majority of people don't believe in aliens and never will.
"Beam me down Scotty I need to go to the shops and wear my human mask".
I feel like I'm on the outside alone watching the rest of the world function well active and happy. And I Dont know how to leave my dark world.
So, yes i ask if i even have depression. I mean if everyone else is fine then why aren't I?
I can only describe how I feel at the moment like this. This is how my depression takes me as hostage. You mentioned you feel like your faking everything, your not. I feel the same way about that. Just because I don't outwardly showcase my manic depression and all of the symptoms that go with it, doesn't mean they aren't there, or I don't feel them; it just means that living with mental illness for me is normal. I know the gravitational pull I feel to be normal is nothing but a joke. I resigned myself year's ago that I am defective. I have a lot of short-comings. When I have a manic-episode it's kind'a like a alcohol-related blackout. Just without the alcohol though. Hell! Sometimes I wish I were faking my symptoms. Cause the pic below is exactly how I feel for more than half of my days living. It's really dangerous when you can't even trust your mind...