Kristina, I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad a few years ago, & I still miss him every day. His photo is the cover on my iPad, so I see him every day, several times. I got a call from my Mum, jumped in the car, he was dead when he hit the floor, I think. I think it was a month or so after I was a zombie for months. Till one day, by my front door , watching the kids playing on the park right by my house, a little boy took a tumble, landed hard. He didn’t move, no parents around, so I rushed (a relative term, when you’re on crutches 🙂,) he was fine, just stunned & frightened. That was what broke the dam for me. That brave little boy made me cry until I thought I’d never stop, that I’d die of crying. Your time will come too. When the time is right, the tears will come, it may be over the smallest thing, my friend cracked when she found one of her husband’s socks was what was blocking her washing machine.
It will be terrible, I won’t lie to you, & it might happen more than once. Maybe you’re afraid to let go, because you think you won’t be able to stop, maybe you think it makes you weak, (it doesn’t.) grieving is not something that comes with a timetable, Love. People talk about the stages of grief as though they’re written in stone, as if we aren’t all different & living different lives. That’s shit! You are you, & you’re dealing with your Mum’s death, (even if you don’t know you are,) it’s a process, you can only go at your own pace. Don’t let anyone tell you, EVER! when you should do this or that, cry or anything else. She was your Mum, you only have one, is it so strange to believe that you might still be in shock? Have you talked to anyone at all about how this makes you feel? A doctor, or grief counsellor? Or are you just toughing it out on your own?
Asking for help when you need it isn’t a weakness, it’s a move forward in your life. I’m sure your Mum would not have wanted you to make yourself ill, she’d want you to remember her, I’m sure, but not to put your life in a freeze frame. You’re still here, you are with us, the living, & that’s exactly as it should be, it’s how the world works.

I wish you strength, and pray that you come to the day when you can take out your memories of your Mum & smile. Be yourself, you’re as normal as the next person, doing things your own way. Remember, moving forward doesn’t mean you’re tuning your back on your Mum, leaving her behind: you’ll be taking her with you, in your heart and mind, always.

Ive said this before, i cant understand someone wanting to cry. It is a curse to me. Slobbering all over and everyone knows you are crying. I hate it.i will give you my tears. I wish i could.

Yes , I have .

I don't cry either at all. Even when I watch a sad movie. That used to get me all the time. Now...nothing

I go through this a lot. Used to be a big crier. I suspect that my antidepressants cause this. When I cut my dose, the cry comes back a little. I f someone dies, then I can cry