I had been making the mistake of keeping it all to myself.
Locking myself away in my laptop.
Hiding from myself as well.
But hopefully I have learned.
I sat down last Saturday and had a good chat with my wife.
I had made plans to kill my self, And was getting close finalising the plan.
I went on a regular visit to my phycharist a few days before,
I told them how I was feeling.
They said come back in three months.
I don't know what I expected,but that was definitely not what I expected.
I was with my son and I told him what had just happened.
He was shocked too.
But he told my wife.
So we sat down and talked for awhile.
I was saying how much better life would be for them if I wasn't here like this..
So she turned to me and said if you are thinking like that,well then you are not thinking about me.
I told her that's why I thought about it saying that she might meet someone who could really love her.
End of story, She said to me if ever you are feeling that way again to talk to her.
Don't let it get to deep into you.
I am still here.
Talk tell them how you are feeling.
I wasn't doing it myself.
Up on this till yesterday,we had a good chat and my wife told me that's what she wants, as she is not a mind reader.
Im very blessed,,,my SO is a pharmacist and he helps me with my meds,,,he goes with me to the doctors and they work together to help me,,,,but only a year ago I was a hot mess because I couldnt do the meds right,,i would forget,,,,or whatever,,,trust me if you have a pharmacist living with you,,,you are going to take your meds if they have to give them to you themselves,,,its a lot to ask,,,but he does it
I would always keep it to myself. I always felt like I was a burden. I wouldn't open up and talk. I focus on telling my wife I how feel more. My wife literally saved my life as she came home from work just as I was about to kill myself. I promise her and my family that I will open up when I need. I am always the life of the party and the funny one in the family. I never wanted anyone to see me down. So we talk about our days, and I am more open about everything. I also never like how at times, not as much, she wouldn't bring anything up to me because she did not want me to get depressed or anxious. But it would make me even more. Its all a work and progress. Open up. Tell them what you like and don't like. Tell them you want to be treated normal. Not as if you have some sickness and you cant handle every day stress.