In addition to Bipolar 1, I suffer from severe social anxiety. This is not an uncommon combo. And the interplay is complex. In general, the worse the one, the worse the other. The symptoms were visible from a very young age. Like, three. I never had any friends. Never went out. Could barely speak to anyone apart from my immediate family - and even that was difficult. Couldn’t interact with strangers at all. I wasn't just shy. I wasn't just introverted, or a bit of a loner. I was… read more
I can relate...my mom died when I was 9. After that my dad was mad because he said my nana promised my mom she would take me. I don't know what really happened. I was left with my dad who was clearly angry to be stuck with me. I was not allowed to see my mom in hosp as back then (1978) children had to be 12 to go to hosp. My mom eventually came home in a hosp. bed which was in my TV room. She wouldn't let me in the room! I cannot imagine rejecting my child like that. I guess because I was adopted after she died no one wanted me. It was made clear by my aunts and uncles that I was an inconvenience. I have a period of 2 or 3 years I don't remember anything......I can only imagine how bad it must have been for me to block it out. When I was 12 I started using pot, at 14 I caught my dad molesting my friend after buying us beer (I couldn't stand the taste so I didn't drink much). She had passed out and he had his hands up her shirt and maybe more. I yelled at him and he left. He would offer my friends money for blow jobs........one girls mother called police but nothing came of it. The school guidance counsellor asked me if I was having sex with my dad......not if my dad was molesting me. Despite me telling several adults nothing was done because my dad was an elder or deacon in the church....finally a worker of some sort believed me and I went into a foster home. After being rejected by everyone who was supposed to love me I have a hard time believing anyone wants to spend time with me. I spent years when I was younger pushing people away before they could hurt me. My 20's were a nightmare of abuse and drug addiction. My children grew up with grandparents or foster care. out of 4 I am only close to one. I am a grandmother now and my grandchildren are used as a weapon by my son's ex. there are many thing I've left out but it's easy to see why I have struggled since my mom died. She was the only one who really loved me. I believe most of us with mental health issues have been abused or neglected. If it sounds like I am whinin that is not my intention. I feel relief when I read others stories and hope this post will do that for others. Also for the last 18 months Ive found a man who loves me whether I'm crying, screaming, or OK. I can feel his love, and that's a.first. We have a few issues but work through them. I finally feel loved.
I can relate as well! My mama was 17 and didnt want the responsibility of raising a child so from the day i came home from the hospital at 3 months old(preemie) i was forced upon my grandma and when grandma was tired i was passed around between mamas 9 siblings all of whom made it clear i was a burden they didnt want nor need! Intermitantly I lived with my mama, she also suffered from bi polar! I was none to accepted as anyones child or anything other then a pain! Up until today I have felt anger frustration snd resentment towards my family! But today I realized it wasnt me that was the cause it was the situation and circumstances of how I was brought into this world! It wasnt me as a person it was just how it was! I know i have a long way to go but second by second I keep hanging on! I have found you guys and am thankful because i know i am not alone in this struggle called life with a mental illness
I get it totally! I am just hanging on by a thread
I have bi polar 1 and tried to kill myself when I was 13. My mom took me to one therapy session. I feel for you about the resentment. Please keep sharing. We get it.