Reading your post makes me very concerned for you. Have you ever ever had a psychosocial done on you? In my advice, you don’t need just a doctor, but a team that can help you with your problems.

Try silent screaming when they occur, it should clear your head for bit. Then, continue until you are able to contain them.

Respond with I will live, and I want to live. I have been there.

I have complex PTSD, major depressive disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I didn't think I was ever going to get well, and that made it easier for me to justify suicide. My last attempt was at the very beginning of January. I was extremely abused as a kid by both parents in multiple ways, and psychologically abused by my mom well into mid adulthood. I had to push her all the way out of my life to be even remotely ok.
What I want to say is to not give up hope for yourself! There are a lot of therapeutic tools available besides meds, and they are often more effective for longer. Use everything at your disposal to help yourself!

I was at this point in October of this year. You are already doing the correct thing by telling someone you are hearing voices and having these thoughts.