My hubby and I recently had our first pregnancy and first miscarriage too. I thought we were ready to start trying right away too. My heart wanted to replace that loss and pain. My soul wants to be a mother. We also lost twins. My body wasn't really healed from the first losses. My heart and soul weren't either. We didn't tell many people. Grief counseling specific to miscarriage has been helping me. I missed a group last night to start my new job and wanted to be there instead so badly.
I had to get back on medication because my life and self care have to come first. I wasn't really ready to start trying again right away. My husband has been so patient with me so we jumped right back at it too.
I've always had an irregular cycle and was having pain because I wasn't even ovulating. I saw someone mouth a hurtful word at a birthday party and thought, let them think it. I'm sure others have. It listed that way on my medical chart because of how far along I was too. I didn't choose to end my babies' lives. Words like "DNC" and "can't guarantee a viable pregnancy" and the 2 internal ultrasounds are burned there in my memory. I have carried the pain as my burden and blamed myself for a long time.
I have always had a larger stomach and working in retail, I have probably been asked over 30 times if I am pregnant or if I just had a baby. Someone up here just had a baby. Was it you. My body stiffens naturally because I'm reminded that it isn't terribly easy for me. My eyes go down and I say, "No, not me." Then the natural questions that come so easily for so many. "Do you want kids?" I again defer and say "Oh, my husband would love to be a father." or "Maybe someday". I want to be well. Honestly, I try to judge no one's parenting or choices because I haven't been there myself. Being a mother isn't something you can force. It is a gift and a miracle. No matter how much I may want it myself, I also have to be ready and completely well before we try again.
The good news is... We aren't trying to become parents right now. We are learning how to be husband and wife again. We our mourning the loss of our children and choosing to love each other. We are grieving in our own ways and strengthening our marriage too. We are dating each other in simple and amazing ways. Small kisses and smiles. Silly songs and games we played before we were engaged. Life is coming back into our home. I feel it deep inside my heart. Mental illness sucks but it doesn't define me either. I can relax in my own skin again because I know my husband love me. He chose me to be his wife and wants me to not blame myself. It is okay to be mad and sad and downright frustrated about everything that has happened. But I cannot let that shame of what happened turn into blame. I'm not a bad person. I miscarried. It happens to many women for many reasons. No one can explain it. I hope this helps.

This is very helpful. It's been two years since the babies but I struggle a bit. Now I don't feel so bad. The doctors told me it takes a while but I just didn't want to go on meds. I feel like if it happens more often than maybe I should try the medication but till then I'm ok with waiting. My husband goes above and beyond he's stopped when I need to stop and tried everything. He even wanted to go to therapy if it would help. It didn't but it made a huge difference that he tried. Thank you guys for the input I honestly feel less ashamed now

Goodness, i feel so very much for you. Please don't feel ashamed about it at all as it is perfectly natural... after losing my babies it took hubby and me months to try to be intimate again - there was so much self-blame and yes blame against each other that we did not realise we had until we sat down and actually spoke through the whole thing.

Now i don't know how long you guys have been married but we found that after we had been married for about 10 years or so that things became a little mundane in the bedroom and that the romance was gone. Coupled with the harrowing and soul-destroying experience of losing babies it just added to everything.

it was really, only once we had spoken about all of it, yes including the mundane part (without blame or guilt) that we started getting things back together again. Romance is probably more important to a woman as a "turn on" than anything else... hubby started buying me lingerie and yes we even went as far as aids for the bedroom and my goodness WHAT A DIFFERENCE ... maybe try to spice it up a little but you both have to be onboard with whatever is happening as if a woman's headspace is worrying about how she looks then she ain't gonna feel a thing.

Thinking of you sweets xxx

@A MyDepressionTeam Member Go to therapy with your husband. He is wanting to help you heal from your shared loss.

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A MyDepre...

I went off the meds for December. Just a cleans and some pain meds. We had to keep stopping midway or worse we couldn't even start. I'm not afraid to get pregnant again I honestly think a baby would be good for us but he's the one who's scared to lose another one so I don't bring it up. But it's so embarrassing to have this happen. After being raped I eventually got my power back now I can't even get naked without stressing about what comes after. It's the only relief I get now that he's gone again